My Big Communication Mistake (and what I learned from it)

I was fuming inside with anger and frustration towards my husband. In my mind I was absolutely in the right - and he, (of course ; ), was in the wrong. My mind bubbled with endless internal criticism, “Here we go again, another weekend morning with a planned family outing and he’s sleeping in … selfishly following his internal clock, casually sipping coffee on the deck seemingly oblivious to helping me get ready for our family trip to the zoo.”

I’m embarrassed to admit, just moments earlier I had let my words run wild. I blurted out words that I instantly regretted the moment they flew from my mouth.

Meanwhile, our 15-year-old son slowly emerged from the cocoon of his room, grabbed some breakfast and lumbered to the car. Minutes later as we drove, the thick tension in the car grew. Spliced only by a few, terse comments. I imagined various scenarios about how the entire day would be ruined. Like a scene from a bad pathetic movie; we would spend all day at the zoo, arguing, ignoring each other, and driving two long, laborious hours home, with all of us scattering quickly to retire to our own spaces, finally relieved of our obligatory family time.

As I pulled into the gas station to fill up the car I was struck by a moment of inspiration. I didn’t want to be arguing. There had to be a better way.  I turned to my husband, “Yellow splat?” I asked, as he reluctantly looked at me.

Yellow spat was a comical phrase we created years ago when we were dating. The words were code for, “Forgive, Reboot and Restart.” Our eyes locked. We clicked our wedding rings together and spontaneously gave each other a hug. “We are perfectly, imperfect and still worthy of love.” I said, with a laugh. Our son, grabbed our hands and thrust his hand to the middle.

From that moment on the day unfolded in a seemingly miraculous way. We engaged in easy, meaningful conversations during our drive. We marveled at the three-toed sloth slumbering in has cage. On the way home we had a productive financial conversation about travel plans and home projects. And the evening was filled with a comical family dinner outside that involved chasing after our six chickens and discovering surprise vegetables and grapes growing in our garden.

At bedtime I reflected on the number one thing that had the greatest impact on the quality and success of our family outing. I experienced a huge “Aha” when I realized that it was my desire and willingness to reach and repair the upset with my husband.

My mindset perspective that I constantly share with my leadership clients is that ruptures (upsets, conflict and arguments) and repairs (communicating and coming back together after a conflict) are a normal part of being human. It is essential to offer (what I call) “Grace and space,” when a rupture occurs. Meaning, our ability to offer grace and compassion to another, versus further separating ourselves and making ourselves “better than.”

I am passionate about leadership communication work. And at the same time, I sometimes struggle with my own communication. I experience impatience at times with being too quick to speak and too slow to listen fully.  

And yet, when I reflect back at the end of the day, as I did during my recent upset with my husband, it was our willingness to repair that transformed the entire day and made it not only productive, but ultimately a rich and loving experience for everyone.

The same holds true for leadership at work. Our communication and willingness to repair after a rupture is key to building trust amongst our leaders and teams, and ultimately is the pathway to increased productivity, performance and profits.