What Does the Team Member In Front of You Uniquely Need?

Have you ever had a team member who seems to be getting in the way of the team, the culture, the vision, or the outcome you're trying to achieve?

You try harder. You repeat yourself. You set boundaries. You may even find yourself digging your heels in and thinking, “Why aren't they doing what I want them to do?”

And when it fails to produce the desired results, you try the exact same leadership approach again. ; )  Not because it was effective, but because it's the only approach you know. It's the one you've always used, and it's the one that's most comfortable and familiar to you.

But what if the problem isn't the person? What if the problem is your approach?

As leaders, we can fall into the trap of using a one-size-fits-all approach with every team member, instead of considering the unique individual standing in front of us. The opportunity is to step back and ask:

“What does this person uniquely need?” “What approach would truly work best for them?”

I experienced a perfect example of this recently with our almost 16-year-old son. He was struggling to get up early enough to get to school on time without having to rely on us to wake him up each morning. To say this daily ritual of dread and foreboding was PAINFUL would not even come close to describing the depth of my frustration.

I tried persuading him with enticing breakfast foods. I threatened to turn on the bright overhead lights. I made empty promises about leaving without him if he wasn't ready by a certain time.

None of my tactics worked.

None produced the desired result: supporting him in finding the internal motivation to get himself out of bed and ready for school. Then, in a moment of ultimate frustration and inspiration, I asked myself: “What does our son need?” “What approach would work best for him and the unique individual that he is?”

I thought back to past experiences and realized our son always responded really well when we all sat down as a family and had a conversation together, rather than when my husband or I talked to him individually.

So, we scheduled a conversation with our son and went for a walk. My first impulse as we began our dialogue was to set the law down for him, tell him what he needed to do in the morning, and set some much-needed boundaries.

But instead, I got curious. I asked him, “How’s your morning routine for school going?”

He took a deep breath and instantly began confiding in us about what was hard for him and what wasn't working. He ended by making a request. He asked if we could support him for just two weeks by backing him up if he wasn't up by a certain time and turning on a soft light beside his bed.

Two weeks later, I came back from my morning workout at the gym and was greeted by the sound of my son humming after getting out of the shower and getting ready for school.

His wide-open bedroom door revealed a made-up bed, a clean floor, and dirty laundry in the laundry basket. I stood in the doorway, marveling at and taking in the miraculous scene in front of me. I had caused a brand-new breakthrough future to happen with my son!

And here's the thing: I didn't do it by trying harder to get him to do what I thought he should do. I did it by getting curious about who he was and what he uniquely needed.

Here are your leadership takeaways…

1. Instead of resorting to a “one-size-fits-all” approach, ask yourself:

“What is the ideal outcome or breakthrough I want to cause with this person?”

For me, it was to have my son get ready for school on his own. Start with the outcome you want to create, rather than getting stuck in frustration about what isn't working.

2. Ask yourself: “What does this person seem to need?” “What approach would work best for them and who they uniquely are?” The approach that works beautifully for one team member may fall completely flat with another. Your job isn't simply to deliver the same leadership message over and over. Your job is to discover what will help this person move forward.

3. Approach the interaction with curiosity.

Get curious. Ask: "What's going on for you?” “What do you think would help?”

Instead of assuming you know what someone needs, create a conversation that allows them to tell you.

4. Involve others in creating the solution.

Instead of telling others what to do, look for opportunities to involve them in being part of creating the solution. People are more likely to follow through when they have a hand in creating the solution, rather than simply being talked at or told what to do.

5. Don't assume it's a one-and-done conversation.

Check back in. We checked back in with our son to see how things were going and to ask what was or wasn't working. Sometimes breakthroughs take longer than we hope. But if we stay curious, stay committed, and stay the course, breakthroughs can and do occur.

What about you?

Where are you struggling with a one-size-fits-all approach, either at work or at home? Where might you try a different approach based on the unique individual standing in front of you? And where have you already tried an approach that was designed specifically for that person and experienced a breakthrough?

Write me!

I want to know if this resonates and strikes a chord with you. Your feedback keeps me writing. Otherwise, I'm not always sure if something lands or not. Your leadership matters. And your thoughts and stories make a difference and make my day! 

I’d love to hear from you. Please post your comments below!

ABOUT LESLIE

Leslie Cunningham helps small business owners and leaders create teams that care by transforming the leader first. With more than 30 years of experience, she specializes in personal leadership development that builds confident communication, strengthens accountability, elevates ownership, and creates cultures where people are genuinely motivated to perform. Leslie is an award-winning leadership expert, internationally published author, national columnist, and radio personality.

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